Waiting...

I keep waiting on some grand gesture...flowers on my doorstep, him waiting for me at home on my front porch, a text, a call, anything. But it will never come. How long until I'll stop hoping and wishing to see him in my driveway when I pull in? How long until I stop checking my phone in the middle of the night hoping he has texted? It's torture, I'm torturing myself hoping and longing for something that will never come and I know it won't because he's made it very clear to me that he doesn't see us long term. How long until I truly and fully accept that?

I think what is so hard about this break up is I had literally no idea...things were fine until he broke the news to me...and then it all came crashing down. I actually didn't believe it the first few days, reaching out to him asking him if he was sure and getting the gut wrenching response of "it was the right decision". UGH talk about a hard pill to swallow...someone not wanting you. I had been through it before with Lacey and my divorce and I think it brought back a lot of trauma from that time which was very dark and hard for me, I didn't want to do this all over again. But here I am, no choice but to tighten these bootstraps and move on. Plus he's not a bad guy and neither of us did anything wrong, it just took 6 months to figure out it wasn't right.

My friends say I need to find peace within being alone and that makes me sad to think about. I don't want to be alone. I have no desire to be alone. I'm a lover and someone who enjoys the company of others, especially someone special and close to me. I want someone to go out and do things with and to go out and live with...not just actually live together and combine two lives into one but someone to share life with. "Well you have Oliver", yes I do and I'm so thankful for him but I want someone in my life that makes me feel like Tyler and not just Oliver's mom. It's not my son's responsibility for my happiness nor do I want to put that on his shoulders. Oliver brings so much joy and light to my life but there are things I need and want that a child just can't give you, and that's okay!

I've been thinking of joining some dating sites again but the thought literally makes me sick! All the effort you put into your profile only to get tons and tons of dudes out there just wanting sex....yes it's still a thing! Plus I don't want to see my ex on the same dating sites because that will make me sad all over again and I'm trying really hard to be more positive and happy. I've had my sad phase and I'm moving on. So I don't know...I may get on a site solely to see what's out there and for some entertainment LOL or I may wait until I'm fully healed and moved on?

My therapist recommends I stop looking for love and it will find me but how is that possible if I don't put myself out there? I'm sure she knows what she's talking about though...she is the professional LOL. And then there is the thought of putting myself back out there and risking heart break yet again, I hate being sad...absolutely hate it. But I love, love so I know it's a matter of time that I actually get back out there and begin my search for my person. I hope this next journey is kinder to me...no more heart breaks, no more hopes and dreams with that person crashing down. I want to find the one my soul is to love for the rest of my life. I want to find the one who loves Oliver with their whole heart the way I love him. I want to find the one who loves me and accepts me for me and the one I'm not "too much" for. Out there, somewhere, is this person and we are slowly making our way to one another...it's been a long pot hole covered road but we're making it. LOL Until then, I'll continue to focus on me and my amazing son and this life I've built for us. I'll continue to love myself and continue working on finding peace within being alone. I'll continue to be more social with friends, old and new!

Well friends, if you've made it this far, I appreciate you! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this blog, I hope to do more blogging, it helps so much! And if I don't, just know I'm out here doing my best on this new journey. If you're reading this, I hope one day you find the love your heart deserves, or maybe you have and then in that case, I'm SO happy for you! You deserve it and you are worthy...we all are. <3