The Beginning & The End

Once I got that big fat positive, I called the doctor's office. My first 2 appointments were scheduled for September 26th and October 9th. Your first appointment is very underwhelming. You get your blood drawn and you learn about all the medications and foods to avoid. You figure out how the rest of your pregnancy will go as far as what appointments to expect and what will happen at those appointments.

During this time I never had morning sickness so I was surprised but happy about it! I was always hungry but never knew what the heck I wanted so that made things a little difficult. My boobs however felt like they were going to rip off my chest they hurt so bad! And did they really have to start growing this early?! #bigboobproblem I was feeling pretty tired most of the time but other than that, you probably wouldn't even know that I was pregnant.

Lacey and I decided to take a trip to Chicago for a few days to celebrate and to relax. This was going to be one of our last trips as just us two so we wanted to have a little fun! It was so much fun and we really loved just being with each other and experiencing something new.

October 8th we headed back home because the next day would be the most important day. We'd get to see our little bundle of joy and hopefully hear a heartbeat! That night we were laughing because I had a plate of pickles and a salt shaker and there just wasn't enough salt in the world to satisfy my craving.

October 9th, the day I will never forget. We dressed and headed to the doctor. Lacey was with me and she was so excited and eager, myself on the other hand, I was nervous and in my dark place of not expecting great news because 'why did I deserve this?'. #mentalhealthissues

The ultrasound tech called my name and she was older, quiet, and I just didn't get a good vibe. Isn't this supposed to be exciting? Aren't you supposed to be excited for us? So automatically my mind goes deeper into the dark place but oh well, brush it off Tyler!

If you've never had a transvaginal ultrasound, it can be awkward. I guess it can be painful for some as well but didn't hurt for me, just awkward. I was lying back, Lacey on my left holding my hand, the room was dark and cold. I just stared at the ceiling and listened to nothing, it was dead quiet. I'd glance over at Lacey, her wandering eyes on the monitor, she would smile but had no idea what she was seeing. I'd look at the tech to see if I could get some sort of sign as to what she was seeing....good news or bad? Truth is, I had no idea. Why was it taking so long to get an answer? It felt like eternity but the ultrasound lasted about 10 minutes. The time had come...

"Here is the fetal pole. According to your last period you should be 8 weeks 5 days but you're measuring 2 weeks behind and I can't find a heartbeat."

I'll never forget her words...."I can't find a heartbeat". All I said was "okay" but I felt like I was dying inside. Why is this happening to us? "Hold your shit together" is what I told myself. I knew if I started crying then I would never stop and we still had to meet with the doctor after this. The tech left the room and I gave Lacey a look and shrugged my shoulders like it was no big deal. It was a big deal...our dream of starting a family had come to a halt. Our baby wasn't healthy and alive. We didn't get to have a wonderful first experience like some. Why us? Why didn't we deserve to get to see or hear our baby's heart beat? All these questions and feelings roll through your mind after you get bad news. I always thought I'd never take a miscarriage hard because it almost always happens at some point or the other and I knew the statistics. The truth is, I barely made it out alive after our miscarriage, it is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.

So after the ultrasound we met with my OB-GYN and she basically told us that when chromosomes don't match and aren't all there then that can cause the fetus to stop growing. In my instance I was experiencing a silent miscarriage. #1in4 The fetus had stopped growing 2 weeks prior to my ultrasound and I had no idea because I had no bleeding or cramping. My body didn't know the fetus had stopped growing and didn't expel it like it should have naturally. I had a few options; I could schedule a D&C, I could take medication to expel the fetus, or I could go home and see if my body would pass it on it's own. In that moment I chose to go home and see what would happen but 4 days passed and nothing changed. I called my doctor and asked for the medication because I was terrified to have a D&C. So I picked up the medication, came home, swallowed and waited. The nurse told me that if I did not have any bleeding within 3 hours then I would need to take another dose. And guess what happened to me...I needed the other dose. So I repeated it and then within the hour I was cramping and bleeding. The emotional pain was worse than physical pain, why did I have to make this decision? Why did I have to witness the literal remains, of what could have been my first child, in the toilet? It was awful! There is so much more I could say but I will spare you the gory details. I did however bleed for the next 2 weeks consistently, I had no idea it would take that long. I assumed everything would be expelled within a few days and then I would go on with my life but it gets better! When I go 2 weeks later for a follow up ultrasound, there are still "conception remains" so I end up having to schedule a D&C anyways...talk about luck! I remember leaving there calling my wife immediately and just losing my shit because I was ready for all of this to be over and move on. And even though this has happened to many women around the world, you feel like you're the only one and that no one understands. But between my wife and my parents, I had a great support system, they were there for us and myself no matter what!

October 31st I went in for my D&C, this was pre-COVID so Lacey and my mom were able to be with me until I went back. While I was there so many nurses and doctors came to me and said they had to go through the same thing, sometimes multiple times, and they have healthy children. Though it was very comforting to hear that, my mind automatically goes to 'well that doesn't mean it'll happen to me'. You don't know if I'll ever have a healthy child. You don't know if this will be my only D&C. You don't know, I don't know, no one knows...and that is the hardest part for me. So about 10 minutes of being back in the operating room, my first pregnancy came to an end. It sucked but I was glad Lacey and I could put this behind us and move on, that was the plan anyways. Life after a miscarriage was something I could never prepare for, it was dark, it was ugly, and it was scary.

November 1st came with a clean slate so to speak but it started another battle my wife and I would go through. Bare with me and stay tuned.

My life; unfiltered, unrefined, and ludicrous.