Life Changes

Welcome back friends,

The title of this blog really says it all. I will discuss my relationship but I promise it's respectful. So much has changed in my life since I last published something. July 13th, Lacey and I did our second at home insemination! July 25th I took my first pregnancy test and...IT WAS POSITIVE! The amount of happiness we both felt was amazing!! I couldn't believe it was happening again. Though the pregnancy started out with a scare, I will blog about it another time, I am happy to report that I'm just over 17 weeks with a healthy baby! But this blog isn't about my pregnancy...nah, it's about #lifechanges and all the shit that comes with them. Here we are, November 1st...the beginning of the holiday season in my book. This month brings Thanksgiving and my birthday, two of my favorite things to celebrate but this year, I could skip to January 2nd and be fine missing it all. 15 days ago, my world was absolutely turned upside down. Things had been weird with my wife and I for a few days...I could feel it. I didn't know what was going on other than when I talked to her, she told me she wasn't excited about having a baby or wasn't sure how she felt but thought things would shift as the pregnancy progressed and she assured me that her feelings for me weren't in question. I left it at that because honestly, starting a family was scary and I understood, but as long as her and I were still in love, I knew we'd make it. JOKE IS ON ME.

Like I said, things felt weird but I trusted we would work things out and get back to ourselves. We had spent the day out of town with my family and though it was a fun time, it just felt weird. That night it came to a head...I asked if she wanted to tell me what was going on because I knew something was wrong. She told me she didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she was ready for her life to change drastically....kinda late for that I told her but she replied with "no it's not". I was a mess...and confused. I still am. That night she told me she wasn't sure if kids was something she wanted....even though we mutually agreed and she knew I wanted a family. She told me "the plan was this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage 'because that is what you had in your head' and then I would just tell you I didn't want to try again". Who the hell was this person talking to me? This was not the woman I married. This was not the wife who treated me with respect and knew how hard a miscarriage was on me. I don't know...it just didn't feel like her. I actually asked her if she had met someone else because this was all out of the blue. Literally the day before this she told me she was excited to spend the weekend with me!! And that she loved me and that her feelings about me weren't in question. So I slept on the couch that night...so upset and like none of it was happening. The next day we didn't really see each other and we didn't really talk. That evening we sat down and tried talking about what was going on. It's hard for me because I'm so emotional and I have a hard time not crying. But we talked. She told me that she wasn't happy anymore...with me. And that she had come to the conclusion she didn't want kids. I was too much for her to handle because she said she was broken down from having to be my support and other people in her life she had to support too and it all just was too much. Heart broken is an understatement, I felt myself dying. That night I went and stayed at my dads...nothing really got solved but I was a wreck and knew I didn't want to be around her. We decided to give each other some space, so for a week we slept in different bedrooms and though we cohabited the house, we didn't text much. Nights at home were awkward and hard...for me at least. I missed her lips on mine, I missed her cuddles in bed and the morning hugs I would sneak from her when I just woke up. It just all sucked so fucking bad. I missed asking her about her day and hearing her laugh. I still do but I am getting better. There were times I would reach out to her and let her know I was thinking about her during this time because I wanted her to know that I still loved her and cared about her. I didn't want her to think that there wasn't a chance for us to work on things. But none of it did me any good, none of it was reciprocated which is totally fine. Just a harsh reality that I never thought I'd have to accept with her. It was all just very cold. I lost weight during this time because I wasn't eating and that in turn stressed me out. I didn't want to hurt this baby. Though at times, I did want to hurt myself. I envisioned myself cutting my own wrists and just laying in bed to slowly fade away. Slowly make the pain go away. But this beautiful baby that my body is growing doesn't deserve that, they didn't ask for that. So instead, I immediately reached out to my therapist because I knew I was going to need that support.

I haven't seen her face in a week. She isn't staying at the house so it's just me and the two dogs. THANK GOD FOR THEM! The first few nights I would just cry until I exhausted myself, it was rough. Every day got better but I knew the road was gonna be long and hard.

But I have a plan. I'm in the process of refinancing the house so it's solely in my name. I have an appointment soon with a psychiatrist to hopefully be on an SSRI to help with the anxiety and depression and I have started seeing my therapist weekly again. I feel so lied to and like none of the last 6 years mattered to her...or at least weren't that important? I don't know how to say it. I just thought there was so much more to fight for between us. My god the confusion...I keep thinking about times she was excited for the baby - we had a plan for names and the nursery. She was excited for me to get big and being able to see and feel the baby move! Or the week before how she came home with 2 bundles of roses for our anniversary. The same day on Facebook she thanked me for loving her perfectly. How did it all change so quickly?! How is she the love of my life and all of a sudden the feeling isn't mutual? But apparently feelings weren't communicated and I was the only one happy in the relationship. At least most recently...I guess? I don't know. There are so many questions but I have to accept they won't ever be answered.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and I know soon I will have a beautiful baby that I won't be too much for. This baby will be my reason to be the best version of myself every single day. I will protect them, I will fight for them, I will make them my world. They will be someone that needs me to take care of them and to love them unconditionally.

Being a single mother is not something I had planned for my life but it's something I know I can do. I've overcome a lot in my 27 years and I know I can and will overcome this. My family has been SUCH a huge support for me these last 2 weeks! I don't deserve them but so lucky to have them. And my friends and the others who know what I'm going through and who have talked to me for countless hours just so I could be distracted or to give me advice...y'all are life savers. TRULY! This baby and I are loved by so many already and it truly humbles me.

So friends, if you're still with me, life changes. Although I don't always handle and embrace change the way I should, I am forced to with this situation. The good days come and go but I know I will make it through. What choice do I have?

Until next time...my life; unfiltered, unrefined, and ludicrous.