Pregnancy After Loss

One thing my ex said that sticks out is she expected me to be over the moon when I finally got that positive pregnancy test. She just knew that since we had heard a heartbeat that all my worries would go away and being happy and carefree would just come natural. But here is the thing...when you have experienced a pregnancy loss, it is HARD to not worry. It is HARD to be carefree. It is HARD to not let anxiety get the best of you. Even now, at 23 weeks, I check for blood after every time I wipe because when you experience a loss...you expect for it to happen again.

On the other hand, I AM 23 WEEKS along with a healthy baby BOY!! #boymom and this blog will talk about the ups and downs we have been through along the way. It hasn't been easy aside from the separation and divorce and you'll notice that but I am finally able to breathe and enjoy all that is left to come! So lets start from the beginning...

July 13th - the day I got my positive ovulation test! That is the day the insemination happened as well...I was SO excited! The ovulation kit I bought was made by ClearBlue and was digital so it was so much easier to understand and made the process easier!

Then came the 2 week wait....and I don't ever wait the full 14 days, so on July 25th I took a Early Response digital pregnancy test. I couldn't believe it was POSITIVE. I felt so lucky. I felt so happy. And I was also scared shitless. 11 months later and I was finally pregnant again...something I never thought was going to happen for me. So the next thing I did was call my OB immediately because since I had a previous miscarriage, she wanted to check my hormone levels. July 27th I went in and they called me the next day letting me know that my progesterone levels were fine but that the hCG hormone was low. Immediately my heart sank, I knew it was too good to be true. The next move was for me to go back in and get tested again...when they called and told me my hCG levels had doubled, I cried! I still had some hurdles to jump through but that day, it was a win!

August 10th I was at work when I went to the bathroom and it appeared as though I had started my period...I panicked. I cried. I went through so many emotions in seconds. I immediately called my OB office and was schedule for an ultrasound the next day.

August 11th I was told there were two gestational sacs and two yolk sacs. Twins! I could not believe my eyes...what?! There is no way...I was just bleeding the day before, almost certain I was having a miscarriage. But the ultrasound tech told me it was still too early to detect a heartbeat, I mean at that point I was only 6 weeks along...I knew it was too early. So I exited the ultrasound room, beaming, because I had experienced a loss and what better way to bounce back from that than not one, but two babies?! When I met with my OB though, she didn't seem near as excited as I did...I knew something was off. She basically told me that if my dates were correct - about my last period and the day of insemination - then I should have been further along at this point. Since I wasn't as far along as she thought I should be then it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and that I should expect another miscarriage. We even talked about my options; medication to terminate the pregnancy, a D&C, or to go home and see how things go. Ultimately I didn't want to believe her so I left the office feeling very defeated and played out the waiting game. I'm so thankful I didn't believe her.

10 days later, August 21st, I went back in to make sure...either there would be a heart beat or their wouldn't be. And THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!!! I could NOT believe my eyes, this little blob had a heart and stole mine from that day forward. When I asked about there originally being two sacs, the tech said that it could have just been apart of the endometrium or one sac could have simply not developed and just disappeared. It was very weird but I was too excited about one viable baby to think too much about it! When I met with my OB she was so happy for me and was grateful she was wrong about it not being a healthy pregnancy! That made me feel so much better and eased a lot of worries. During my visit they also discovered a cyst on one of my ovaries and though at the time there was nothing to worry about, they wanted me back in six weeks to make sure it hadn't gotten any bigger. In the mean time, once I made it to 12 weeks with no sign of miscarriage, I had announcement photos taken! Here is just one of my favorites!

October 5th I went back and I wasn't too upset because I knew I'd get to check in on the baby again and even though things had gone well since seeing a heart beat, continually seeing a healthy baby relieved a lot of anxiety and worries for me. At that point I was 13 weeks along and it was so amazing that you could tell he was a baby! He wiggled and moved the whole time during the ultrasound, I will never forget it. This it still my favorite ultrasound, look how cute he looks with his hand up to his mouth! My cyst hadn't gotten any bigger nor smaller so I would have to once again be checked in 4 weeks.

November 2nd I was told my cyst actually had grown in size and that they would most likely need to be removed. Seriously? When was I going to catch a break? I was already stressed from separating from my wife, I really didn't need anything else to deal with. My main concern was losing this pregnancy that I had fought hard for. My OB said it would be safer to have the cyst removed early on by an OB with a scheduled surgery. My other option would be to wait and see how the cyst grows with my pregnancy, worse comes to worse the cyst would bust and I'd have to have emergency surgery. That didn't sound safe so I opted to have it removed at 19 weeks pregnant.

November 11th I went in for surgery, come to find out, the cyst was 20cm...bigger than a grapefruit! In the picture you can see the cyst, to the right of my uterus. I cannot praise Dr. Stowell enough! He was so kind and made me feel comfortable through the whole process. The surgery went fine and Oliver and I recovered perfectly! That was the last hiccup I had to deal with. I swear if I have kids down the road, that pregnancy and the whole process is going to be so boring...at least I hope so!

November 24th I found out it was going to be Oliver and I against the world. I was over the moon and still am - this little boy was going to be my everything and in return I was going to get unconditional love from him. This boy has me and all of our family wrapped around his finger already and he hasn't even arrived!

So when I am a helicopter mom, it's because he and I have been through so much already and he will always come first in my life. When I still have my worries that something will go wrong and get anxious about him not being near, it's because I didn't think he was going to make it this far. But I'm so thankful he has! I can finally relax and breathe knowing my baby boy will make his arrival in the Spring, and yes, I'm happy! Do not let anyone ever make you feel like your feelings aren't valid, more times than not, they couldn't possibly relate to why you have those feelings anyways. I just want to thank you all for following along on this journey, it has been SOMETHING else! I am so blessed and grateful for all my family and friends, we couldn't do this without you! xoxo - Tyler, Ollie, Rosie & Kleo